


can dan and phil nut

by itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Dildos, Humor, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, I have no shame, M/M, No nut november, Other Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, pure crack i swear to god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-18 01:23:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21519619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualweeb/pseuds/itsmyusualphannie
Summary: dan and phil try no-nut november2nd place for Best Crack in the 2019 phanfic awards
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	can dan and phil nut

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in an hour and gave [cal](https://candanandphilnot.tumblr.com/) about thirty minutes to edit it before posting. they did better than i ever could. ily boo

“It’s decided, then,” Phil said mournfully.

Dan nodded.

They shook hands and stepped away from each other. The alarms on their phones had just gone off. It was now 12:01 a.m. on the first of November. Their pact was officially started.

“We had sex six times in the past two days,” Phil said. He nodded in determination. “We can do this.”

Dan nodded in determination too, but he was a lying bitch. “Yeah, totally,” he said.

“ _God_ ,” said Phil, some time later. “I’m so horny. How long has it been?”

Dan picked up his phone and glanced at the screen. “Two minutes.”

Phil threw himself dramatically face-first onto the bed and whined mournfully. Dan stared at his ass and sighed.

“Why did we decide to do this,” he questioned the room.

The room did not answer. The room never answered.

The room was useless.

It was still November 1st, sometime in the late morning.

Phil could not find his favourite bunny slippers. “Oh no,” he said, checking under the couch. “Bunny slippers?” They were not under the couch, so he wandered to the kitchen and checked under the sink. “Aww, bunny slippers,” he said upon finding nothing but the dishes from last night.

“Jeremy!” he called. Maybe the bunnies’ names would bring them hopping. “Sophie!”

Neither bunny slipper answered. Phil was very sad. Putting his constantly-cold feet in them was the highlight of his day. Especially if he couldn’t put his feet in Dan.

Phil realized he had not heard from Dan in almost four minutes. He gasped and quickly ran around the living room, yelling Dan’s name. He and Dan had _never_ gone more than five minutes without talking to each other. The universe would implode if Phil didn’t find him within the next sixty-three seconds.

Phil spent ten seconds looking under the couch, fourteen checking under the kitchen sink, twelve piling the dishes into the sink where they belonged, four peeking into the fridge, six grabbing an egg from the side drawer and munching on it, and ten more staring at the floor.

Then, Phil realized. There was only one place that Dan could be! The only room in the flat where Dan felt as comfortable as he did in his teens and young adulthood. The closet!

Phil spent a few more long seconds sprinting into Dan’s room and yanking open the closet door. Just as he thought, Dan was there. But Dan was doing something that they had both agreed, just nine hours before, not to do.

“Dan,” said Phil sadly. “We both agreed, just nine hours before, not to do this.”

Dan didn’t take his hand off his dick. “I’m not sorry,” he said rebelliously. “My _balls_ hurt.”

“But Dan.” Phil wiped away tears. They weren’t because he was sad, they were because he could see Dan’s dick and was overwhelmed by its beauty. Little D was truly the eighth wonder of the world. “Dan, my balls hurt too. But we agreed _together_.”

Dan looked triumphant. “We agreed not to _nut!_ ” he declared. “But touching a body part wasn’t part of the agreement. I can stop before I nut.”

Phil sneezed. He was allergic to nuts.

Dan gently took Phil’s hand and placed it over his other hand, which was still moving over his dick. “Come on, Phil. You know you want to.”

Phil _did_ want to. He stroked a few times, helpless against the power of the dick, but then he realized what he was doing and yanked his hand away. “Dan, no! You don’t have any self-control. You can’t stop.”

“I totally do have self-control,” Dan whined, lying harder than he’d lied in his life, and that was saying a lot.

Phil licked his hand and then pointed threateningly at Dan. “Stop moving your hand or I’ll strangle you with it.”

“ _Please_ ,” said Dan.

Dan might have almost failed first, but Phil almost failed next.

It was two entire hours later. Dan could not find his favourite cereal anywhere. He checked under the couch, under the sink, _and_ in the fridge. Finally, he gave up and trudged toward the bedroom, where he knew Phil was napping. He almost tripped on Phil’s bunny slippers on the way there and stopped to glare at them. “Jeremy and Sophie,” he ordered. “Get out of the way.”

The bunny slippers hopped under the couch.

Dan continued to the bedroom and threw open the door in a grandiose fashion.

“Phil! Do you know where my - ?”

Phil dropped the dildo and the fleshlight he was holding. “ _Dan get out, this is private._ ”

“What,” said Dan.

Phil burst into tears. “I’m trying to figure out how hetero sex works,” he sobbed.

Dan carefully backed out of the room and shut the door.

A short time later, Dan had been looking for his cereal for three entire minutes and he was getting tired of it. He _knew_ Phil had eaten the last of it. It was time to confront him. Phil would just have to deal with his gay panic later.

Dan marched to the bedroom again and slammed open the door. “I AM HERE,” he announced, standing majestically in the doorway.

“Oh shit,” said Phil.

Dan glared at him. “Are you…? Is that a _different fleshlight_ that you’re _fucking_?”

“Listen,” said Phil earnestly. “It’s not what it looks like! You know how they can make dildos that are moulded from someone’s actual dick? Well, they’ve invented something even better!” He held up the fleshlight and his dick bobbed free. “Dan, listen, I don’t need the real thing anymore. It feels just like you.”

“You got a,” said Dan, “you got a me.”

Tears welled in Phil’s eyes, but this time they were from joy. “ _Yeah_ ,” he said. “I got a Dan bussy.”

Dan stood there for a long moment, and then he sighed deeply. “Thank god!” he said, relieved. He whipped out a dildo. “I don’t have to hide this anymore!”

“Was that up your - ?” Phil asked.

“Yes,” Dan said happily. He shoved it back up.

Dan and Phil failed No-Nut November.

**Author's Note:**

> comment the worst part :)
> 
> [reblog if you dare](https://itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com/post/189223901515/can-dan-and-phil-nut)


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